Messy Love

Story By: Iwan
Groningen, Netherlands

I don’t know how to start and what to write. This probably is not that interesting for the reader the way I am writing, or is it? For me, its just that I am put in a situation where I cannot speak about it to anyone; one because I am under pressure to keep it secret, two because I am an introvert & three because I love her and can’t portray her in bad light to anyone.

I think I fell in love with her at the first sight when the sunlight fell on her face in a chemistry class. She looked so angelic & heavenly at that moment… fair, short, beautifully tied hair with curls around her face, her pink halterneck that she wore and her aloneness near the window. She listened peacefully & made notes of what the bald guy (the professor) was saying and at the same time, effortlessly distracted me with this image of herself.

It used to be weekends when I used to catch a glimpse of her and then long for the next weekend to arrive to see her again. I could hardly go up to her & speak anything… But one day I ran down the stairs when the class got over and stood next to her bike. She noticed me as she walked towards her bike, then ignored my presence, then looked down & smiled. I came up with the most stupid clich├ęd reason to speak to her… “Umm, Can I have your book? I’ve missed a class!” She knew what I was doing, but she smiled and gave it to me. I couldn’t get my breath back for a moment when that happened & before that I was thinking that I will make her go weak in her knees… Haha..

Well I just wanna say that it really started off as a very cute love-story, which we all felt would last forever. I met her every weekend after that in the same parking lot, kept speaking for hours on end, ignorant about the rush in people’s lives around us. Life was good then! I felt I was in heaven! What adrenalin rush I must say; I used to ride back home so fast after spending time with her & sing at the top of my voice. The streets found me crazy, but I hardly bothered!

About three months down the line, our little stupid talks & blushing here and there bloomed into a relationship of commitment & love. Wow! What a time that was… People who’ve been in love know what I am talking about. Well it hardly just lasted a day and then she broke out to me & said, “You know what, I already have a boyfriend. I am going through a rough patch with him and he would go mad if he came to know about us... This is not going to last for long." I was dumb at that moment, lost my words. Anger gripping me like it never before but yet my feelings for her held me back from doing something crazy. I tried explaining to her how we could find a way, but she kept saying what a bully her boyfriend was, the way he abused her physically and how he would go wild. No, she didn’t agree & told me its over!

Whatever, I was mind-f**ked for that moment and that entire day. I was home and I was wetting my pillow with my tears. Felt like crap being this athlete and sobbing in my room. But I really couldn’t control. It was so strong! All of a sudden if it just withers away this way, it breaks your heart however macho you are.

That day I could hardly look into my books and get focused. Here I had a heart-break and there my chemistry tests kept the pressure on me to study. I spoke to my friend Kelvin and he was kind enough to invite me to his place and talk about it and make me study. I loved her so much that time; I couldn’t bear the thought of the pain that she was probably going through. I picked up the phone to call her and it took her just two rings to answer my call. It was as if she was waiting to hear from me. We spoke & melted and decided to be brave to call it Love!

Well, we finally set out in the world of dreams and intoxicating love. Waiting to hear each others voices, seeing each other over the weekends and saying mushy things to each other, we did all of that and could hardly resist blowing up hours doing it. I did everything in life as if she was the reason for it. I mean I worked hard at college, I was this nice guy to everyone which was pretty different from my earlier version, I spoke well to people around and what not. She made me be a nice guy without even saying anything. I just wanted to be nice because of her. The little angel in her had driven me so crazy, I was as nice as being gay and I can’t believe that today.

As time passed, we got to know from some friends that her ex hated the idea of Madeleine leaving him for me. Even meeting her o’er a cup of coffee at times seemed difficult because her ex was some kinda gangsta. So things had to mellow down and our loud carefree behaviour had to be curbed. I hated it totally. I mean loving my girl but not being able to do any fun stuff with her around the city was killing me inside.

So life moved on and we kept meeting through the week at my place where the atmosphere was very relaxed and we had our privacy. We spent hours gazing at each other, feeling each other and getting close. We had privacy to get naughty every now and then.

I think almost 3 years passed this way and then came the time for her to prepare herself for her education abroad. We obviously didn’t want it that way, living away, but it was a great tool for keeping away her from her ex. I can't even explain the fear we've lived in because of him at times. So we both worked hard to get her to study well and score high in those exams. We often sat together in front of my computer solving mathematics, analyzing English comprehensions, cracking problems on logical reasoning and scripting perfect essays. Well, she did a great job at it herself and got an amazing score to move to the shores of America to fulfill her career dreams. I danced in the dark in my room all alone that night when she called me to inform me that she had a call from one of the coolest universities, which was in Los Angeles.

Time came and she flew away from me. I was too strong to drop a tear from my eye because I knew she was doing it for not just herself, but for our future which we dreamed of living in California. I was so proud of her. My little doll though couldn’t stop tears rolling down her cheeks and trust me; a man hates to see his sweetheart weep! She went; she went very far away from me. I am not talking about miles here; I am talking of much more.

I spoke to her over the internet when she reached there. It had been like two full weeks that I had seen her. Again, she missed me, she missed home and she broke down on her webcam. I would usually hold her in my arms when I saw her this way, but this time I couldn’t. I felt so helpless. She had lost her mother when she was eight and had a dad who hardly cared. She lived life that way till she grew sixteen, after which she found a home in her grandparents’ house and a guy like me who loved her more than she ever wanted. Her loneliness hit her academics hard and she kept losing herself.

I believe the first term had got over that time and she performed just about average. In just four months, she flew back to meet all of us and I can’t tell you how happy she was. It all pumped a new life into her. But hardly was she with us when we realized she had to go back and she cried this time, but very mildly, very controlled. And what a kiss she gave me before she left, I am not being poetic here, but the sensation lasted for a couple of days! Wow!

She reached there and I spoke to her using our microphones and webcams. She seemed much better than always and she smiled. It was so satisfying and relieving seeing her this way. I couldn’t thank the almighty more than what I did that day. Things on her academic front didn’t improve like drastically or anything, but yeah they were getting better.

I knew that she would now pick up in the race and make us all proud one more time. I got back my peace of mind and could now peacefully work with my new job. I started to get busy and slowly reduced my excess talking hours with her because I knew she was much better and doing well.

And now comes the whole f**king reason about why I am writing this today. She started behaving very differently with me. She didn’t have the same love or warmth in her voice, she lied to me on a couple of occasions, and she spoke things incompletely as if to hide them from me and almost drifted apart. I am not dumb I know to not understand what was probably going on. In fact, I had known her so closely that she could hardly hide her behaviour from me.

Yeah, you guessed it right! There was another guy Jude in the equation. But you know what, I loved her way too much to get wild at her or yell at her. And you might think I am mad, but I was ready to let her go with that guy if she found herself happier there…that’s how much I’ve loved her.

She spoke to me a few days down the line after I had realized what had happened. I did not react at all and smiled at what had happened. She felt a little guilty about it and spoke to me. I wrote her an email saying that it was life in general that takes us through these roads & turns, which at times are unwanted. But the moment one realizes that one has taken a turn not ought to be taken, one needs to drive one's vehicle back and get back on track.

The email didn’t really work and I think things had gone way far ahead. I was late… Everything had changed so much within a month. She was in love once again, this time it was Jude. Life can really play sick jokes on you and get away with it! Its not like I didn’t love her after this. I still did love her with all my heart. I knew she was put in a situation that way and fell prey to it. She discussed her new boyfriend with me and I listened. She told me how they spent time and how she loved him. She told me how she missed him, she told me how he loved seeing her face on the internet, she told me how they spoke during the wee hours at night, and she told me how they were alone at home and… She told me all of it. I gave her a chance to let out everything out of her system to give herself mental peace. She felt ashamed to talk to anyone else about it, so she spoke to me. Weird, right? But I made her speak to me because she would go mad not talking to anyone and I couldn’t see that.

I talked to her and I realized that she indeed had fallen in love with Jude. I had never seen her so happy before that way when she went to University. I really could let her go with that guy if she was this happy. But I don’t know which peace of lightning struck that man and he realized after a month and a half that its “wrong”. So he had all his time with her and now he wasn’t ready to commit. I don’t have words to express for such a soul really. He too was in a relationship when all this happened between him and her.

Through this period of healing her through this tragedy, she told me more than thrice I guess to take her back. She said she wanted to be with me. I was ready and I was large-hearted. But then, just a couple of days later, she fell back for that guy again. They were so strongly attached that they could hardly be without each other. She still spoke to him the same way and they still loved each other. If she had decided to get back to me, why did she again go back? That’s the time I couldn’t take it anymore… even if I want to today, I cannot find my heart that loves her again in the same way.

Its to learn from this: Nothing can be permanent, eventhough it’s the strongest. Accept it and move on… Move on to explore the journey of life with a smile and a strong heart!

"I’m sorry baby, I couldn’t love you anymore…"

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CR said...

What a touching and sad story. I know what you mean, that you can never really feel the same. It is not that you stop loving, only that the faith you once had has changed to disillusionment. It is hard to love someone who is still so much a child that they don't really understand the hurt they cause or the value of what they had.

With love,

Martin said...

It could probably be edited a bit and rewritten for a movie script! I like!

Leah said...

Ouch that hurt! So sorry for you:(

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