Personal Secret by: Karishma
Place: Bangalore, India
1. Me, Karishma
2. My Ex-Boyfriend, Pranav
3. My Roomie, Tamara
4. Tamara's Boyfriend, Adnan
My ex felt like a loser after having dumped me and then being used & thrown away by my roommate. I felt terrible to see him in that state and had such a flow of emotions through my mind that day. I could hardly get sleep for the next couple of nights after that. Just the thought of what he must have gone through kept playing on my mind continuously.
I sound like an idiot, don't I? But, its hard to see that person in pain whom you've loved so dearly.
He now wanted to come back to me and wanted me to accept him again. I seriously didn't have the heart to go ahead and accept him again. I mean I could do everything to ensure he was okay, but to relate with him again in that manner was close to impossible.
But my dear ex then broke down before me and said how he was losing himself and going mad. He even considered suicide. I am a fool that I am and I gave into that. I melted! My ego told him that "I can't accept you", but the stupid heart inside me said, "Lets give it some time and see how it works out between us." It really gave him a ray of hope to know that I was at least considering him and we could possibly have a future together.
I don't know why I fall so easily into these stupid traps. I started to be all caring and loving one more time without using any specific words of love as such, but just through the way I behaved with him. He felt at ease to know that I was getting back.
Life did have to turn ugly one more time. This time I thought he had returned to me finally. I had started making efforts to revive our love. But you are then wondering why am I writing all this about him if I have really started to love him again -- the reason is this:
Pranav: "I don't know if I still feel for Tamara. I feel really jealous when she speaks about her boyfriend. Her thoughts still keep coming to me and keep troubling me. I don't know if its you or its her!"
I let our conversation continue normally and I said good-bye to him for the day. After that, all I could just say was "f*ck off dude", but I said it silently to myself so that he wouldn't hear. I really don't think I am gonna let myself be treated like a tennis ball anymore... I am not his back-up plan or a second option. I really don't wanna melt yet another time again in front of his "distressed image". Dealing with such issues is what psychiatrists or rehabs do, not me for sure!