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Just One Solution to Insecurity

Advice by: Michelle
Place: Little Rock, Arkansas, USA

Lets start with one thing: Human Beings are a species which is polygamous. I have said this before. We all have to accept this fact because it changes the perspective in which you look at your relationship.

The kind of environments which we live in today makes it so easy for us to stray. At the same time, technology has spread its wings so far that spying is way easier than straying quietly. But does it mean that we set traps or set alarms to ring when we suspect things going out of control?

Experiences & studies say that relationships which tread the path of suspicion eventually lead to an outburst of internally accumulated feelings. The accumulation of feelings is unhealthy physiologically and the outburst usually leads to violent responses.

Now before we understand what is the reason that leads to a person a straying, lets think about what makes two people connect. I would say its physical attraction, stimulating conversations, common interests, emotional entanglements, association for long periods and some more to add to the usual list that we all know commonly.

Really speaking, when we connect, its not that "love" showers upon us. We chemically respond to the flow of substances in our body. The society we live in further binds on us the necessity of commitment. So under the effect of the substances and social binding, we end up living together for a rather long time with our partners.

Having understood this, its rather easy to understand that the way A & B click is nothing supernatural. They aren't struck by a comet really. Similarly, A could click with C and B could click with D. That's what eventually leads to straying. Depending on how strong your relationship is with your partner, you either sway this way or that way. Now its not really a "sin", its merely the internal make-up of human beings that makes us behave in that manner.

Now just the one solution to this: "Communication!" Thats the magic word. If you feel things are going wrong, responses from your partner are unusual, the love seems reduced or even the smallest of things is turning into a quarrel, you have to make the bold step. You have to for a moment control your temper, let your ego down and keep cool. Communicate to your partner that the way things are going is messing up the entire build-up of a long time. Its investment from both sides thats going down the drain. Ask them what is it that they feel is missing or is it just that they slipped. Don't for a moment show that you are "pissed off" about it. It'll only cause your loved-one to conceal things from you. Talk about it and make it feel comfortable. Be like a parent dealing with a kid, but don't cause them to feel they have wronged. From there, you need to rebuild and every couple will have their own way of doing it.

If you are on the other end in this case, that means if you are the one who strayed, then just give it a thought-- "Is it really worth it?" Well, you must have had quarrels with your partner and maybe the sex isn't rocking enough, but have you explicitly communicated and made efforts to rebuild the pyramid? And if you think that everything is perfect, but you still strayed then forget about it. In either cases, just get back to the realization that while you traveled the journey, you came across another path. You walked on it and realized that it wouldn't take you all the way... Just turn back and get back where you were supposed to and carry on from there. Once you are back, its best to keep things to yourself. You don't necessarily need to share it with your partner. Just give them at extra love and they'll be surprised why you being so different, but they'll love it!

Speak, Communicate, Don't react & Accept!

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Puppet

Confession by: Lucas
Place: New York City, USA

I think I am a puppet and my puppeteer is making me dance to the tunes of sorrow, test of strength and waves of lows.

My 8-year old son Dwayne who used to live with my wife has now come back to me. His mom, my wife, passed away last month due to cancer. I have spent all my time getting Dwayne back to normal and often I barely live up to his expectations. He kept weeping all night last weekend thinking why he lost his mother and now has a dad who doesn't even come close to the standards set by his mom...

I am having a tough time bringing him back to reality and making him live life without tears in his eyes and sorrow in his heart. I keep failing each time and nothing seems to work at all... I feel distressed and pathetic counselling him. No faith, no practicality, no hope... Nothing seems to get my little kid off that void. I wish he comes out of it soon.

Well, while I live my life bringing Dwayne up, a girl pops up in my life and leads me to believe that she is madly in love with me. I know she is, or should I say she was. Kim has been in love with me for a long time now. I haven't been able to give her that space and love in return because I am not being able to build a relationship when I see my kid so troubled. I feel I have unfinished work before I give my love life a new lease.

Time has passed and Kim has come across a desperate human-animal waiting to have sex. He is attractive, a good talker and a wealthy lad. He happens to be her boss too at work in the fashion house. Kim keeps falling for him all the while these days and tells me she has been waiting long for me. But, understandably, I dont blame her for it because its me who didn't give her the comfort. But, why on f**ing earth is she after that sex monster... I mean I know her and she isn't someone who will f**k around with a rogue of his kind. Maybe, she is just frustrated and is paranoid about her age for marriage... She can't seem to wait for me any longer.

I first had to cope up with my wife's loss and then my kid's depression. I now have to cope up with the fact that my Kim can't wait for me. Its not so easy as you think that I should just go tell her what my problem is really.

I made a big blunder not having told her about Dwayne and my first wife. She is gonna hate me to the core and out of that shock will go have wild sex with her monster boss. Its come to a point now that I just have to leave her to go ahead with what she wants in life. If she waits for me, I think I will make her a happy girl. But I think its too late now and I've missed my bus. I just don't want her to end up with that monster because he totally isnt her kinda guy. She is just getting carried away with the wind and her paranoia.

I am being puppeteered by life with bringing Dwayne back to the chirpy kid that he was and on the other hand coping up with the fact that my new girl is lost even before she could be mine.

I have spent sleepless nights and out of trying to be a strong guy, I have ended up throwing up in my bathroom. I can't work, I can't pay attention and I can't think much. After almost close to 40 days, I have bowed down in front of God asking him to show me direction. I don't see any.

I know I sound like a loser today. But someday I will write about life in detail. I am not the cause of this misfortune in my life. Nobody as such can be the reason for it. I think its just "life in general".

Dwayne & Kim, God Bless you!... Hopefully, me too in the process!

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Straying can be Good

Advice by: Norman Keith
Place: Pasadena, California

Unfaithfulness and multi-partner indulgences are looked down upon. There is nothing wrong looking down upon them, else relationships would never survive for long. But, in fact, straying really helps and somewhere deep down there, it strengthens the bond of emotion and love with your real partner. Let me explain that...

First Thing:
"Man has never been monogamous, man has always been polygamous!"
Well, this trait in human beings has been witnessed ever since we came into being. What it means is that, human beings have this physiological & psychological characteristic of not being satisfied with one.

Second Thing:
"Man being a social animal is stimulated by emotions of guilt, commitment, faithfulness and a whole bunch of other words which make him moral (supposedly)."
What this means is that even though being human makes us polygamous, we are quite often struck by the lightning of morality.

Having understood these facts, it is obvious that at some moment in life an individual is bound to stray away. The individual strays just for excitement or for no great quarrel between the couple as such. The individual finds this new fling lively, mouth-watering and irresistible. The affair continues for a while till the individual starts to show signs of change with his partner. The partner realizes things are fishy and soon sail the winds of insecurity and suspicion.

A day comes when the affair or a part of it comes to light and things do get pretty bad. The individual who strayed away realizes that he/she took a wrong turn in life and messed up big time. The individual finds how much harm he/she caused to the partner just for a moment of fling and risked a well nurtured relationship.

The realization makes the individual then make up for the shit that happened. He/she goes out of the way to care for the partner and shower extra love in place of the mess created. The partner, if loving enough, sees love returning back home and usually melts unless egos come in between.

Life once again becomes normal and relationships become stronger. The couple realizes what they probably could have lost for this moment of temporary excitement. In future, all fights and quarrels don't get this extreme because of the realization of the importance of the relationship. The couple once again falls madly in love and another honeymoon starts.

If probably the straying wouldn't have occurred, life wouldn't have wrecked as much. But then just because it wrecked, what was built later was way stronger and bolstered with greater understanding & love.

So just in case life takes you & your loved-one down this route ever, learn to be understanding, strong, forgiving and wise. Know what you have built through a long period and learn to value it like any businessman values his business. You would take ages to put in the same sort of investment with any other random person and you don't even know where you would get with that. So be calculated and if you've decided on giving up/compromising, be very sure what you are losing and if you think its worth it. Being forgiving on one side and being really loving on the other side can make the two see a beautiful life in a completely different light. I'd say give it another chance...

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Just One Solution to Insecurity

Puppet

Straying can be Good

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